I recently had a DuHa! moment. Duh, because I can't believe this didn't occur to me sometime during the previous, oh, 9 years that I've been a parent and Aha! because I think I've had a major realization of what my job as a parent is (maybe that should be Duh! also).
It's not about me.
When my kids "spill" baking powder all over the kitchen floor, it's not about me.
When my kids "decorate" their rooms (walls, blankets, toys, bed frame) with a sharpie marker, it's not about me.
When they have a total meltdown over cleaning up their playroom, it's not about me.
When they have a tantrum over doing their homework, it's not about me.
If it was about me, I'd be angry that they made such a huge mess that they were in no way capable of cleaning up themselves. I'd be mad that they ruined a new bed spread, and left me a lot of work to do with a magic eraser (praise be to magic erasers). I'd be frustrated and feel like throwing their toys in the garbage. I'd be ready to tack on some extra jobs, and maybe do a little tantruming myself.
But it's not about me.
So instead, I show them how to use a measuring spoon without spilling the whole jar (or I keep it out of reach of little fingers), and teach them how to use a broom. I keep permanent markers up high, and kid-friendly markers and paper down low, and get two magic erasers and teach them how to clean their toys. I provide places for each toy to belong, and teach them how to put each toy away before getting out new ones, and sometimes I put toys in time out (but I don't yell, because it's not about me). Finally, I sit down with them and show them how to make a to-do list when they're overwhelmed, and if it helps, we both eat lifesavers to get us through the work.
My Aha! moment was that it's not about punishment for things they do that make me angry or frustrated, it's about teaching them to take care of their belongings, and how to clean things up if they make a mess, and use their words to express frustration, and take a deep breath and take overwhelming tasks one step at a time.
It does my kids no good for me to yell and send them to time out because I'm mad. Time outs are for helping them to calm down and think about things. What I need to do when they do something they shouldn't, is teach them what they SHOULD do next time, and show them how to fix whatever it is that they did.
Seems pretty obvious, but it took me 9 years for the idea to occur to me.
Showing posts with label Confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Confessions. Show all posts
Monday, September 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
What do you do for fun?
I can't remember what I used to do for fun when I was single. I'm sure there was something. I guess I liked reading, listening to music, shopping, playing my guitar, hanging out (is it just "hanging" now?) with friends.
After I married my Mister, and even more so when J was born, I couldn't answer if someone asked me what I did for fun.
Last week, someone asked me that, and I surprised myself with how many things I thought of. I think maybe it just took me awhile (nearly 10 years?) to figure out how to be a wife and a mother and still be me, and have things that I do for myself, for fun.
Running the 1/2 marathon was really good for me in that way- It forced me to put myself ahead of other things. I had to run, or I wouldn't be able to make it through the race, so instead of running if I had time, I made time, I let go of some other things in my life and made running a priority. Sometimes it messed up dinner times or nap times, but we all survived, and I'm happier because of it.
I'm cutting back running to three times a week now that the race is over, but I plan on keeping my running time a priority. It makes me feel good, gives me more energy, and it gives me time to think about whatever I want to think about. Same with gardening. I love getting my hands dirty, and watching things I plant grow. Right now the raspberry canes I planted awhile back are starting to sprout tiny leaves and it makes me happy to know that I did that (and especially happy about the berries, I can't wait!).
So when someone asks you what you do for fun, what do you say? (I'm embarrassed that it took me so long to realize I have a better answer than "I know I used to have things I liked to do, but I can't remember what they were".)
Sunday, February 08, 2009
What is Crazy?
A friend posted an article about giving up refrigerators to be more eco-friendly, which started an interesting conversation on where we draw the line between behaviors we think are crazy, and ones we find perfectly acceptable. She said we have to be careful to avoid thinking that everybody who does less than I do (of whatever) is a slacker, everybody who does more than I do is a fanatical nut, and everybody who does as much as I do is a sensible moderate.
I found this a really interesting statement. It's true, if it's something we do, it's perfectly reasonable, but if it's something outside of our comfort zone we often feel a need to label it as weird or extreme.
I was thinking about this a little with the new yoga kids DVD my son has been watching. He loves them, and askes to do at least one nearly every day. One of them has the Namaste Song in it, and we both sing along:
Namaste, Namaste, I am the light and the light is me. Namaste, Namaste, I am part of all I see. The light in me, sees the light in you. Bow to me, I bow to you.
Ten years ago I had a yoga dvd that I had to get rid of because I found it "too chanty" which I thought was kind of silly. This namaste song might have been silly to me too at that point in my life, but now I'm able to appreciate the message of it, and am glad that my kids are growing up with things like that in their lives, so that they don't have to overcome the "It's weird/crazy" problem.
I've also been thinking about how we present ourselves to others. Sometimes I feel like when I talk to people about things that are important to me, they start to think that I'm maybe a little odd. I don't mind being a little odd as long as it's a good kind of odd, but it bothers me that people might put me in the weird/crazy/fanatical nut category (because I think I'm pretty normal, really). :) The main problem with getting labeled as a nut is that people tend to stop listening to what we have to say in the future, because after all, what can we gain by listening to a nut?
So here is my dilemma, do I speak honestly how I feel/think whatever, and risk losing my audience, or do I keep quiet on things that I think might make people think I'm weird? I prefer being honest, I don't like feeling like I'm hiding something...
(Sorry for the randomness of this post, I'm sick and these thoughts have been bouncing around my head lately.)
I found this a really interesting statement. It's true, if it's something we do, it's perfectly reasonable, but if it's something outside of our comfort zone we often feel a need to label it as weird or extreme.
I was thinking about this a little with the new yoga kids DVD my son has been watching. He loves them, and askes to do at least one nearly every day. One of them has the Namaste Song in it, and we both sing along:
Namaste, Namaste, I am the light and the light is me. Namaste, Namaste, I am part of all I see. The light in me, sees the light in you. Bow to me, I bow to you.
Ten years ago I had a yoga dvd that I had to get rid of because I found it "too chanty" which I thought was kind of silly. This namaste song might have been silly to me too at that point in my life, but now I'm able to appreciate the message of it, and am glad that my kids are growing up with things like that in their lives, so that they don't have to overcome the "It's weird/crazy" problem.
I've also been thinking about how we present ourselves to others. Sometimes I feel like when I talk to people about things that are important to me, they start to think that I'm maybe a little odd. I don't mind being a little odd as long as it's a good kind of odd, but it bothers me that people might put me in the weird/crazy/fanatical nut category (because I think I'm pretty normal, really). :) The main problem with getting labeled as a nut is that people tend to stop listening to what we have to say in the future, because after all, what can we gain by listening to a nut?
So here is my dilemma, do I speak honestly how I feel/think whatever, and risk losing my audience, or do I keep quiet on things that I think might make people think I'm weird? I prefer being honest, I don't like feeling like I'm hiding something...
(Sorry for the randomness of this post, I'm sick and these thoughts have been bouncing around my head lately.)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Talking about difficult things
Growing up, I was always taught at church to avoid any type of "anti" materials. It wasn't an issue for me, why would I be interested in anything like that?
What interests me is what people view as "anti" material. Protest literature produced by groups who feel strongly that the LDS church is evil would certainly be considered "anti". What about blogs or papers written by former LDS members? How about things written by current LDS members that question why things are the way they are? What about books like Rough Stone Rolling, which included unflattering information about Joseph Smith and his family (along with very much inspiring information- in fact I think the unflattering stuff makes all the rest even more inspiring)?
Church history is full of things that perhaps are easier to avoid talking about, but I've always thought (and still think) that it is healthier to talk about mistakes honestly than to try to hide them or pretend they didn't happen, or to make up stories that "might be true" to make those mistakes more palatable.
The last six months or so, I've come to understand why the church doesn't like to talk about some of the Difficult things.
They're difficult.
Thinking about why God would allow a prophet like Brigham Young to be so racist is difficult. Thinking about why supposedly good church members were responsible for the deaths of so many innocents at Mountain Meadows is difficult. I could go on and on.
Thinking about those things, makes you question everything. That makes you feel lost and alone, because if you are questioning things these, you don't feel like you can seek the advice of church leaders, because heaven forbid they think you are questioning your faith. So you struggle through so many feelings of doubt all alone.
I understand why the church feels it more important to focus on strengthening it's members, I'm sure there are enough problems to deal with without stirring up more themselves by bringing up the past. I get that, but it would sure feel nice to have grown up being taught what I've struggled to learn recently. It always surprises me when I learn something only to realize that it's something I've always know, but Heavenly Father patiently reminds me over and over again.
People are not perfect.
Joseph Smith wasn't. Brigham Young wasn't. Thomas S. Monson isn't, and neither am I. We're all human, with human weaknesses, viewing the world through dark glasses, filtered by our own experiences (although I'm pretty sure that prophets have a slightly less murky filter than I do).
The most inspiring thing to me in all of this, is that despite the personal limitations of so many great people who have gone before me, God allows them to also do so much good, and that gives me hope. Hope that someday we don't have to hide from difficult things, that we can be strong enough to deal with them, and learn from them, and still know that God loves us, and that he lets us make even horrible mistakes so that we can learn and grow and become a little better than we were before. A little more understanding of those around us when we see their flaws, because if God allows an imperfect man to be his prophet, there's hope for the rest of us.
What interests me is what people view as "anti" material. Protest literature produced by groups who feel strongly that the LDS church is evil would certainly be considered "anti". What about blogs or papers written by former LDS members? How about things written by current LDS members that question why things are the way they are? What about books like Rough Stone Rolling, which included unflattering information about Joseph Smith and his family (along with very much inspiring information- in fact I think the unflattering stuff makes all the rest even more inspiring)?
Church history is full of things that perhaps are easier to avoid talking about, but I've always thought (and still think) that it is healthier to talk about mistakes honestly than to try to hide them or pretend they didn't happen, or to make up stories that "might be true" to make those mistakes more palatable.
The last six months or so, I've come to understand why the church doesn't like to talk about some of the Difficult things.
They're difficult.
Thinking about why God would allow a prophet like Brigham Young to be so racist is difficult. Thinking about why supposedly good church members were responsible for the deaths of so many innocents at Mountain Meadows is difficult. I could go on and on.
Thinking about those things, makes you question everything. That makes you feel lost and alone, because if you are questioning things these, you don't feel like you can seek the advice of church leaders, because heaven forbid they think you are questioning your faith. So you struggle through so many feelings of doubt all alone.
I understand why the church feels it more important to focus on strengthening it's members, I'm sure there are enough problems to deal with without stirring up more themselves by bringing up the past. I get that, but it would sure feel nice to have grown up being taught what I've struggled to learn recently. It always surprises me when I learn something only to realize that it's something I've always know, but Heavenly Father patiently reminds me over and over again.
People are not perfect.
Joseph Smith wasn't. Brigham Young wasn't. Thomas S. Monson isn't, and neither am I. We're all human, with human weaknesses, viewing the world through dark glasses, filtered by our own experiences (although I'm pretty sure that prophets have a slightly less murky filter than I do).
The most inspiring thing to me in all of this, is that despite the personal limitations of so many great people who have gone before me, God allows them to also do so much good, and that gives me hope. Hope that someday we don't have to hide from difficult things, that we can be strong enough to deal with them, and learn from them, and still know that God loves us, and that he lets us make even horrible mistakes so that we can learn and grow and become a little better than we were before. A little more understanding of those around us when we see their flaws, because if God allows an imperfect man to be his prophet, there's hope for the rest of us.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Confession...I don't like pancakes
(sorry dad)
I have very fond memories of being woken saturday mornings to my dad's music blasting downstairs (Lionel Richie, and the soundtrack to Phantom of the Opera (the musical) stand out the most in my memory) and the smell of Krusteaz pancakes wafting up the stairs.
Since I've been married, my Mister uses Krusteaz to make pancakes, but more often waffles, since I like them better. The sad thing is that waffles made with Krusteaz, taste like pancakes.
I'll eat them, but why? Does anyone really like pancakes?
I started making homemade waffles a couple of years ago, and discovered that I can even eat them with a small amount of syrup without feeling sick after.
Here's the recipe so all of you closet pancake dis-likers can discover the joy of breakfast again.
2 eggs
2 C flour (I use whole wheat, or today, since I was out of whole wheat I used white, but only 1 3/4 cups, then 1/8 cup of ground flax seed and 1/8 c of wheat bran)
1 3/4 C milk
1/2 C oil
1 TBSP brown sugar
4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
Beat the eggs until fluffy (you're supposed to use a hand mixer, but I just wisk them really fast), mix in all the other ingredients, then cook according to your waffle iron's instructions.
I cook them until they're crispy. If you really want a treat, serve them with strawberries and whipped cream (although that's dessert not breakfast, but life is short, right?).
I have very fond memories of being woken saturday mornings to my dad's music blasting downstairs (Lionel Richie, and the soundtrack to Phantom of the Opera (the musical) stand out the most in my memory) and the smell of Krusteaz pancakes wafting up the stairs.
Since I've been married, my Mister uses Krusteaz to make pancakes, but more often waffles, since I like them better. The sad thing is that waffles made with Krusteaz, taste like pancakes.
I'll eat them, but why? Does anyone really like pancakes?
I started making homemade waffles a couple of years ago, and discovered that I can even eat them with a small amount of syrup without feeling sick after.
Here's the recipe so all of you closet pancake dis-likers can discover the joy of breakfast again.
2 eggs
2 C flour (I use whole wheat, or today, since I was out of whole wheat I used white, but only 1 3/4 cups, then 1/8 cup of ground flax seed and 1/8 c of wheat bran)
1 3/4 C milk
1/2 C oil
1 TBSP brown sugar
4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
Beat the eggs until fluffy (you're supposed to use a hand mixer, but I just wisk them really fast), mix in all the other ingredients, then cook according to your waffle iron's instructions.
I cook them until they're crispy. If you really want a treat, serve them with strawberries and whipped cream (although that's dessert not breakfast, but life is short, right?).
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